Thursday, May 01, 2014

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Life is like a box of chocolate..or a fruit cake..?

Forest Gump was right..and we don't need philosophical explanation when it comes to life experience. There are many things that happen and as usual they are not as what we plan or expected. But as they says, life goes on no matter what. It's either you sink or swim and I choose to swim even though it's hard or consume more energy or facing other difficulty. There are things that should remained silent and there are things to be shared but sometimes both won't do justice.
(source:wikipedia) Fast forward, it's been a month commuting by train to KL and it wasn't something to look forward. It's 40 minutes ride with coaches pack like a sardine can and crossing the arch bridge from Bandaraya Station to Bank Negara Station is not a pleasant journey especially on rainy days when the steps are slippery and you need to mind the steps and try not to slip. And sometimes the train does not arrived on time unlike in Tokyo where they display that the train will arrive at 6.03am, and on the dot the train is in front of you. Maybe it's Malaysian time..I don't know..for now riding the train is the best option compared to driving in KL with expensive parking rate and massive jam and the longer we drive the more we contribute to carbon footprint. Due to this, more time are spend on traveling and less time for family..a dilemma of working mom

Sunday, January 26, 2014

End of Academic Journey..for now..

This is the first weekend after FINAL semester and this is the end of my academic journey. Time flies really fast, and now it's no more staying up late finishing assignments, reading journals, downloading softwares etc..working in group on sustainable development...but I miss those moment. Its only two days but days without reading is meaningless.
Please ignore this messy table..our studio used to be worst than this..:)...only those who are in this line know the real meaning pf studio..(read: messy )
But I treasure the extra time that I have with the kids now. Alhamdulillah, everything are on track as blessed by HIM.
They are the happiest people when they realised that I just finished my report..and send for hardcover binding..poor kids... Treat nasi arab - lamb hanith and lamb kebab for them, its their favourite anyway..
I'm looking forward for their academic journey coz starting tommorow they'll officially start schooling session, no more transition period..that means lots of books to carry, homeworks to do for both tahfiz and Sekolah Kebangsaan...their academic session is from 7.45am until 6.30pm..what a life..i remember back then, life was easy..we went to school and back by 2pm..playing outside by 4pm..hahaa..whatever it is we'll pray for the best..

Monday, January 13, 2014

Post-ICU

“People think dreams aren't real just because they aren't made of matter, of particles. Dreams are real. But they are made of viewpoints, of images, of memories and puns and lost hopes.” --Neil Gainman I think that our mind always play trick on us. Just like the way we perceived our surrounding. Sometimes it is complicated. Our subconscious mind is even puzzling and our dreams can sometimes affect our emotion. There are times that we don't want to wake up from a good dream but sometimes we have to when it's horrible one.
Since he's been discharged from hospital, I always have a dream about him and mostly are not a good one or no bed of roses or a walk in a park kind of dream. These dreams are about him in the ICU, either the same condition or new case. I woke up feeling sad. I know that its just a dream but sometimes we need a good one too. Hopefully everything will be better when he moved here. In Sha Allah

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Road to Recovery: News on Malaria

Some info from online news portal:

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Road to Recovery: Emptiness

Wednesday 20/11/2013 6.45am - ICU Putrajaya Hospital People always says that waiting is a hard thing. Indeed, especially when you are alone in a cold long empty corridor and nothing else to do except looking at the vinyl floor and counting the lamp. I pray for his safety, I was confused..it happen too fast, but I need to stay calm. After subuh prayer, I don't know where to go. It was too early to leave the hospital. I never feel this way, being alone in this situation is different. Normally when he is not around, I can just carry myself and do my work as normal. But this is totally different.
There are three bags,one umbrella and one 100 plus bottle with me which I brought from ward. I left his towel and sandal and forgot about it. Too many things to carry and I left this bottle at the waiting room outside ICU and it was there for few days. It was like an indicator for whatever that I can't think of.

Thursday, November 21, 2013

Road to Recovery

Life is full of colours and come in different shades, people always associates rainbow colours with happiness while shades of grey or black with darkness, sorrow and even death. I guess I'm in that grey zone now, its gloomy. We never knew what will happen until it really happen and we need to cope with it. That is what happen since last few days but if feels like everything happen too fast. Its just you are served with so many things and you can't really digest everything. He complaint about his fever since at Cheringin Resort, we thought that its a normal fever. When we met at UTM, he seems to be showing normal symptom of fever. We went to a clinic on Saturday but until Sunday his condition is still the same, high temp with vomit. We when to Emergency Department Hosp Putrajaya and was diagnosed as dengue fever, he was observed for few hours. I received a call from him at 2.30am saying that he's discharged. In a sleepy mode, I drove to Putrajaya and surprised how can they let him go just like that.
We when to KK Putrajaya the next day and was referred to Hosp Putrajaya again. By that time he was so down, in pain..It's hard seeing him like that. After almost two hours, he was admitted to Ward 4A. And the journey began from there. He can still smile, talk to me but not his usual self. He could hardly eat and drink, I spend time with him until midnight. I left the hospital with a heavy heart. But since its dengue fever, I thought that he'll be like other people. On Monday morning after the kids sent, i cook crab soup for him. Clean the house and wear a proper attire and put on my make up as he don't like seeing me messy without any make up..:) Friends were there at lunch time, he could only eat few spoons of rice and soup. After less than an hour, everything is out. It's almost like in-ou-in-out process. I know it must be really painful when you have to force things out from your stomach. His temp by then was up and down, hot and normal at interval time. He looks different, he's restless, he's not him to my eyes. His friends from HQ came and make a joke. But that wont make him happy, at that time he's like struggling inside to cover the pain.
I left at 5pm to fetch the kids. By 9pm he already sms and said 'I need u'..by that time I know that he's not in good condition. After rushing with dinner and left the kids with a heavy heart as well, I reached the hospital. His body temp was still high, I brought white towel to dab his body. He keep on vomiting and by 10pm the temp was 40 degree. Suddenly he asked me to choose one answer. I asked him which answer, he said A or B. I choose A, and he asked A is for what?...I said for Allah but he said No, its a riddle. I was a bit puzzled.
He was talking like normal again, and then he asked me to choose again A or B. He said if I solve that riddle, his stomach pain will go away. He asked me to press A, click enter button and move the cursor. I was so sad coz he seems to be confuse, actually his mind play tricks on him. I called a friend and cried, I need someone with me at that time. Family was informed about his state and they also tried to solved the so called riddle. The nurse asked him few question about the riddle, and when she asked him where he is, he said his in a forest..My heart broke at that time. I was scared...I keep on cooling down his temp, and he told to me to click on Mokhtar's answer..Ohhh it was so scared and sad looking at him in that state. Doctor came and checked, and she told me that he's confuse now due to the heat. By that time he was already given oxygen through tube. After further check up, he was transferred to Acute room and a mask was put on to help his breathing. He had difficulty breathing due to coughing. He cant just lie down or sit, every thing seems so wrong and uncomfortable. The temp was still high, the heart beat was too high and the oxygen level was decreasing. I pity him................ After around one hour:
The level of oxygen was under 90, it was a bad sign. Doctor keep on asking him to wear the mask properly or otherwise he'll be transferred to ICU alone without me. He try to used it properly but he seems so stress looking at the machine and many numbers on the screen. I old him not to look at the numbers at all. By that time his BP was increasing again and oxygen drop to 80. I was nervous as well.. By 3am: He as sweating, hardly breathing and the oxygen keep on decreasing to below 80 and NS was informed and it was a really hard situation to look at. I was informed that he need to be sent to ICU. He was like struggling..I don't know how to describe. By 4am we were already in ICU and it was a different ambiance and urgency. He was placed on another bed and while the doctor explained to me about his worrying condition, the other medical staff was cutting his orange DOSH t-shirt..I can't look at him anymore, its like cutting my heart. He need urgent rescue and he was struggling breathing..i could say that he looks a like fish..Ya Allah.... ..I was asked to wait outside..and I wait and wait and confused..guilty, sad..everything...informed family members.. I was sitting in a small waiting room...feeling alone..total loneliness... After one hour, I was called by doctors. 2 doctors with me and Dr Hisyam asked me with a serious face ..'what have i know about him'..and I told him everything that I know chronologically, about his medical history etc...AND he told me that my husband's condition was critical and its negative dengue..BUT maybe malaria or leptospirosis. I heard with calm and try to be strong..tried to digest the new and scary info. Doctor said that his chance is only 50/50 and if he survive he might have brain damage or stroke. I don't know how I feel at that time. And he asked me to call family members to visit him. ...AND the journey just BEGAN.........